Letting Go...

It has been three months and two weeks since we lost our mom. Friends have been comforting and loving. Most tell me to "keep the memories alive... think of the good times...".  Little do they know, my childhood was difficult.

I am trying so hard to think rational. My mom is not coming back. I will never see her, hug her, or talk with her. Leaving a "habit" of talking with mom everyday is like someone trying to quit smoking. The withdrawal is unpleasant. The emptiness, crying spells, depression is unbearable. Physically it has taken a toll on me too. The last three months I have been sick with something. My hair is falling out and I am breaking out like crazy.

I truly believe in mind over matter.  Changing the way we think... positive or negative WILL have an affect on our everyday lives.

My childhood.... although my mom tried her best at holidays, the time in between were very abusive and torture for the Lim children. If we were part of the world today as children, the courts would have locked up our step-father and mother. We lived in fear, filth, and our living conditions were so bad that no humans should ever witness.  We were locked up in a small room with a bucket to use as a toilet........

Throughout our adult lives, we asked mom.... "Why".

Of course, we never got an answer, so finally, we answered it for ourselves... "Mom had emotional problems and she could not take care of us...".

Dear Mom,
I love you so much. I cared for you and did whatever I could for you. I miss you more than words can describe.
You thought that I was always starting trouble with you when I asked questions about our childhood. I just needed answers, but you never gave them to me.
You kept talking about your childhood and how much fun you had with your dad... all the parties... the music.... the beautiful dresses...  Those conversations made me sad and angry, but you kept bringing it up. A few times I said, "oh I wish we (my sisters and I) had those moments like you did... I wish we could have experience what you had....", but you never got the hint.....
Less than two weeks before  you passed away, you told me that, "Donna and I had no talent, that is why I took the music away from us.....".  We were less than 12 years old. We had the desire to learn to play the piano, violin, sing..... No wonder our self-esteem was (and still is) so low....
I came out of my childhood as a loving, caring individual. I came out strong and determined to do better for myself and my family. I came out of my childhood without putting any harm to my  own children.... no abuse, but full of love.  I love my students and I love my classes because I get to see so many smiling faces looking back at me at every class! 
I encourage my family, students, and friends and truly care about people.
I work hard and play little.... that must change.  I am talented mom. I can do anything that I set my mind to and do it well. 
I must let go and live mom. This is one thing that I saw in you that you never did. I must live one day at a time and know that there is more to life than the feelings that I currently have.  I am blessed with a wonderful husband and loving siblings. I need to see if there is more to life than what I am currently doing with my life now. I will always love and miss you... I have only one thing that will keep me sane about you being gone... I know I will see you again soon. Until then, I hope you are finally happy and that you are with your family.
Love Debbie

One day at a time.

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