Why?

Why can't I be like everyone else? I wish I could think normal like everyone else. I wish I could do things without having these flight moments. Why doesn't my brain calm down? 

I do my best to act "normal", but my brain tells me to run or go far away from everything... To hide somewhere in the dark and never come out.... To accept that I am who I am and will never be the person that I strive to become. 

I feel I am a small particle on this earth that can be carried away into the universe and no one would ever notice. 

Mind over matter is what I taught myself all of these years, but those words are fading away fast and only becoming "words". 

I try to live and laugh, with thoughts of good and positive throughout my thoughts, but deep from within, I hear a voice telling me how stupid and foolish I am. 

I want to jump out of a moving car or disappear, but I am afraid of the unknown. I feel hard work and working toward becoming a better person gets me nowhere.  

I am blessed with my family and try to keep them from seeing this deep, weak side of me, but at times it is very hard to do. I know I am at a good place in my life today, at this present moment, so why is my brain constantly yelling at me?

Life has its ups and down for everyone,  I try to understand why my mind feels like this, but I cannot find the answers. I try very hard, but it is blank. 

I cannot sleep at night and try everything to make sleep come, but it hardly arrives. I am weak now and do not like this feeling or who I've become deep within my mind. 

I want peace in my mind and I want full control of who I am, but have a hard time finding out who I really am. 

I do try with all my faith, power, and determination to fix it, but I cannot fix something that is already broken. 

Why?