I’ve got this.
|A painting that I did and gave to a Counseling Center.|
I am so lonely. I feel empty. Life is very quiet for me. I smile in front of everyone and laugh all the time, but deep inside, I am so lonely. I have mixed emotions about everything and I am okay with that, because it is what it is. Loneliness to me is hard to explain. I could have a lot of people around me, but feel so empty deep inside. I get used to feeling like this and everything is okay. It is normal to me. So, in reality, loneliness is a natural thing for me. It is not sad nor bad.
I do love my life, because of certain people and my best little dogs, but I am also very lonely. I don’t know how to explain this loneliness. I don’t know what to do with it? How to react to it. I accept it and move forward, because at this present moment, I am blessed with health and life.
I don’t have the energy to go anywhere, because I work so much every day, that all I want to do is finish my work in the evening and snuggle with my little dogs.
I don’t have the energy to be creative and work on my art. All I want is time to be…. Just be.
When mom was alive, I used to make sure we had a massage therapist come to the house once per month, so that she could have human touch. For ten years she was very lonely when her husband passed away. Mom wrote so much in her journals to him. She never once mentioned us kids (in those journals) with love, care, or anything that resulted her as being our mom. They may not think so, but I feel that I gave everything to my children. I did the best that I could for them. I love them unconditionally. It is up to them, as adults, to make the best of their lives. I feel I succeeded as a mother. I just don’t know what I am succeeding at today.
I don’t remember when was the last time I snuggled with a human? Growing up, I never had human touch. Maybe a pat on the head or a punch to the face, but never a real, loving touch. Looking back, it didn’t bother me, because when you never had something, you never missed it…. Right?
It is time to put on my funny face and paint a smile back on. It is “ShowTime”. I have to be what everyone wants me to be. I just wish I knew what I think “I” should be?
Everything is good. I am lonely, but that is much better than a lot of things. My life is a “circle”. HA HA HA “...Bring it back Debbie… Come back Debbie… Where are you going with this Debbie….”
I’ve got this.